Monday, May 02, 2005

A Meathead Story

Just wrote this now. Just took a random thought in my head and started going with it and it ended up getting out of hand.

A Meathead Story.

So I was at Trendy McBullshits, watchin the Birds Game, drinkin some brews with my boys, Scotto, Tiny, Mac and Petey and Bobbo. And I get up to go to the Mens Room because I started drinking around 4am the night before, you know how it is! HAha yeah! Way. Sted. I mean, cmon. So I go to take this piss right and it's a crazy long piss. You know the kind!

So I go up to the uranal and get down to buisness, you know, fucking oldschool. But then, in the middle of taking this mondo leak, I catch the motherfucker next to me looking over at King Henry and the Meatmen. So I'm all like "what the fuck, motherfucker? What THE Fuck?" You know, man? And he's lookin at me like he dont know the fucking score, but he knows what time it is! So he fucking does some faggot shit with his eyes and fucking runs. Like fucking runs runs. Like he's got the runs and he's running because he's got the runs type runs runs. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, BOBBO! Bobbo totally shit his fucking pants one time when he was on coke. It was fucking hysterical.

Plus I bench like four eighty, five ninety, six something. You know how it goes.

So then I leave the bathroom after I finish shaking it off. Check the grill in the mirror and fucking head back the fuck out there before Mac and the boys steal my fucking beers. I would kick their asses, dont say anything though, they get all girly about it and shit.

I wold totally fucking win in a fight against a tiger or like one of those big fuckers. You know the ones.

So I leave the fucking bathroom right, check my shit one last time and my shit is all fucking good, and guess who's in my fucking seat. Fucking dude. Yeah, the fucking dude is in my fucking chair. So then I took this pool cue, right? And I was like, that's my fucking chair, asshole. And he was all like "I'm old and shit." So I fucking hit him like pow. But it's his fault, I didnt tell him to sit there, man, you know how it is. Fuck him.

And where the fuck are my Buffalo Blitzers? I ordered like fifty of them. The record is seventy eight. Set by yours truely, the master. I fucking eat man. I fucking eat.

I could totally eat a fucking can.

So then fucking dude is on the fucking floor all bleeding and shit. And I'm like "Yeah, who's looking at what now motherfucker?" Say hello to my little friend and shit, right? Man, fuck dude, fuck.

So then McNabb totally scored this touchdown. Did you see it? You had to fucking see it. Dude did the crazziest move around that other dude. And that guy died on the floor and totally fucking missed it. Fuck him his loss. Right? Am I right about that shit? Fucking eagles need a better tight end, that other asshole is holdin out on his contract and shit. Fucking fag. Get your millions and get on the fucking feild.

I could fuck a feild. You know what I'm sayin! Like a bitch.

So then, right, just as the fucking birds are making another run at the redzone, Bobbo fucking farted and we all were like "oh shit!" Like literally right, like 'oh shit, shit.' And then there was some crazy trumpet, fuckin whatever the fuck that was. Some dude mustve brought one of those beer horns. Those crazy blue plastic things.

One time I had one of those crazy horns and fucked this cheerleader with it. No shit, dude. No shit. Totally put one end in there, then fucked her through the other end. Swear to god. So I start telling the guys about the time I fucked some Cheerleader broad through the horn and they're all like 'no way, dude, really' and they're hangin on every word we almost missed the birds score again. And there were all kinds of horses outside and shit, fucking crazy. Fucking birds totally scored again. That makes twice they scored Einstein, Eagles 14 -Cowboys fuck dudes. HAhahaha.

Plus I was at the game last year in dallas and I hungout afterwards to throw eggs at Clint whoever the fuck the place kicker from dallas and at least three Cowboys hit on me. True story. Check dead guy for ID He's probably one of those fucking cowboys. Like fucking ButCowboys. So then I'm tellin my boys about fucking these dudes and fucking bugs started showing up everywhere. You know how it is! Fucking dudes and bugs and shit.

Fucking third quarter bro. Place is full of bugs and shit, but who gives a fuck, eagles are making another drive. I used to play highschool ball. Fucking politics you know how it is. So I fucking start telling my boy Scotto about it when some uppity motherfucker found the fucking loudspeaker and shit and was all like "REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!" and shit fucking "END OF DAYS" and all this fucking bullshit.

But that fucking Arnold movie fucking rocked through, right bro? I mean when he shoots that dude, he totally fucking shoots that fucking dude. I used to hang out with arnold, like back in the day when I played highschool ball. Dude is fucking rock solid people. Bought me like six beers one night and was all like "I'm arnod and shat" Hahaha, dude was nuts bro, fucking nuts. I totally could kick his ass though. Motherfucker is slow. He's fucking big, man. But he's fucking slow, dude. I used to take JuJitsu and shit.

I could probably break a board with my dong.

So then when I'm telling Petey about Arnold and my fucking dong and shit. And fucking Petey get's all fucking girly because fucking scotty melted. And he's all like "wahh, I'm a whiney bitch my brother melted." Right? Fucking Petey was always a fucking Mary. He went out for baseball when we were in school and got railed in the nads by a line drive. Fuckin Hysterical. I almost puked. THEN. Fucking fag started crying like a crybaby bitchbaby. Shouldve fucking gone out for hopscotch or some shit. Fucking dick.

And then Bobbo got eaten by demons. And I'm all like, "I'm trying to watch the motherfucking game, motherfuckers!" And I got that loud douchebag goin all babbles on the fucking mic at forty miles an hour like it's fucking Gook night and shit. " AHhabababalaha I AM THE LORD HOST HOLY. THE FIFTH SEAL HAS BEEN BROKEN"

And I'm all like "you're goddamned right motherfucker, I was just in that motherfucker like two minutes ago wit that fagot motherfucker. Broke the seal is fucking right. Beer before liquer never been sicker man. Fucking A right. I just hope there's no more fags in the fucking bathroom and shit.

I totally shouldve brought my nunchucks.


I like that a lot. It makes me laugh because It's about annoying meatheads and the guy is so into the game and telling bullshit stories that he doesnt even notice the apocolypse. Which is crazy because it's the apocolypse. Ha.

One Foot Feet.