Saturday, May 31, 2008

Not sure if this will work

I really have zero understanding of HTML, which I feel like I should learn, but also realize that it will be obsolete in a day or two. But I recorded the Advice story for Dublit and I think I can paste it here, if you'd like to listen.

I made a few changes to it and I have the voice of an angel, so it's way better than what I had before.

Go Listen:

Saturday, May 24, 2008

More Found Material

I'm working on a story that I've fallen in love with and I'll eventually post it, but it'll probably be a while yet. But I just found some papers that I'd written little stories on when I was bored at the bar I used to work at. I'd forgotten about and left somewhere else and were returned to me a few weeks back. I like them so I'm copying them here for safe keeping. There's no title, and I might try to expand on one or both, but my batting average for that is really low. Anyway, here:


When she was small, smaller, she caught a terrible flu. It had be going around. Stores were closed, hospital overrun. Sally, my daughter, the nine year old, caught it.

She's a terrible child. A horrible person so far. We knew it then. My wife: "...More like the flu caught sally."

I concurred. It was true. After hours of tests in my basement lab, beakers bubbling, notations made, numbers carried, bunsons burning, I arrived at the inevitable truth: the Flu had caught Sally.

I submit the following proof: After my horrible daughter conquered the flu, no one in Noth Hope has sneezed.



Terrible Bones. (this will come back in a future thing, I realize I have a place for it elsewhere, but for now, in case I lose the paper)

My terrible bones. Awful, useles. I've developed horrible disease, joespeh. Bones like splinters. Edging out. Healing out through the skin, joe. They're leaving. It's terrible. Horrible.

You're off in the sun. You can't imagine how cold it's gotten. The air has changed. Freezing, joe. You took all the warmth right out of this little place. Remember the winter in the stock yards? You were holed up there for months. I didn't realize until February. You'd turned the fire hose on us, put three men in the hospital with exposure. Jesus, but you laughed, Joe.

Three good men. Families and all. Never quite got it cracked. Never found that money. But the hose was enough, to lock you down a few weeks until you vanished. Not sure where you got to. That's fine.

Ha! Then you disapeared all the goddamned wanted posters and dropped them on Main Street like a goddamned ticker-tape. When Conklin told me, I had to run outside to laugh. Everyone was outside to laugh, kids were picking them up and throwing them at eachother like snowballs, Joe, you should've seen it.

I'm guessing you did this, this thing with the bones. Not sure how. I figured you'd figure a way to get me. I just wish you'dve done it like a regular joe, Joe. We've shot at each other enough, what the hell with the bones, Joe? I'm an old man, for christ sake.

I'm sorry about Susan, Joe. We didn't know she was in the house. I want you to know that before it's through. Honest and true, Joe, we didn't know.

See you soon.

Monday, May 19, 2008


When I first came out here I bought a Moleskine Notebook. Here's a paragraph about that that I found in one of my journals: I'm a fucking idiot and can't find it. Never mind.

Anyway, I came across it again today. I found something in there that made me laugh. I don't remember when I wrote it, but it's a To Do List for a Super Villain. Here it is:

- Car still isn't ready. Consider installing Time Machine in bathtub or love seat.

- Fire hydrant switch to secret lair on 5th street is malfunctioning. Probably a transistor problem. Send a Frogman. Lenny?
- Talk to Head Frogman about daytime curfew. Saw Frogman in Wendy's. Unacceptable.

- Get Milk, eggs, brown sugar, butter and flour. Bake sale.

- Get sulfuric acid, lithium crystals, seventy two car batteries, series of lenses. Acid Laser/Power Man's Face.

- Call Janice. Been on my ass about child support.
- Ray gun "accident"?

- Just put it in the bathtub. It won't have the same effect, but I'm appearing out of nowhere and I have a cell phone. Good enough. Pick up Dinosaur. Ride dinosaur into capitol building in the 1800's. If time allows, attempt to kill Janice's grandparents.

- Pneumatic tube connected to White House needs adjusting. President arrived for weekly meeting with nosebleed and threatened to cut my funding.

- Check progress on Space Station.
- Test Rocket boots.
- Febreeze Space suit.

- Pay Zephyr The Confounding for Steelers game.
- Find out if Quarter Back has telepathy.
- Have him liquefied

- Destroy unbelievers, punish insolence, demand respect, money, bake sale blue ribbon.


Saturday, May 10, 2008


Check out this website: . It's a website devoted to recording and sharing stories. I posted two on there so far, I'll be posting more as I get more written.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Balancing things

Don't worry, gentle populace, I will balance out the two below with something in a bit. I'm working on something that contains this line:

"My amulet! Remember the amulet, boy! Remember!"

Monday, May 05, 2008

Deconstructed Advice and Encouragement

Deconstructed Advice and Encouragement

Advice VIA Public Transportation Mishap

You know what, though? You have to try to make the most of it. Life is short. You could walk outside tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

You know what, though? I know you're having a hard time right now, but try to remember that at any point you could be painfully and horribly murdered by a larger than average vehicle.

You know what, though? Sometimes crazy people get a hold of machinery that they're not licenced to operate and they run amok and maybe this time they're on your block driving fifty down your sidewalk. Remember that guy who got a hold of that tank a few years back? So, ya know, try to keep that in mind.

You know what, though? Try to remember that any horrible thing can happen at any time. To you. Any random, awful thing could happen to you at any time. Awful things happen all the time, so I'd even say that you're likely to have something horrible happen to you. If anything, you're due.

You know what, though? We're all, each of us, dying a little every day.

You know what, though? The universe is random and life is meaningless.

Encouragement through past failures and traumas

You know what, man? You can get through this. You're a strong person. Think of all the other shit you've gone through in your life, this is nothing. You'll look back on this and laugh.

You know what, man? You can get through this. You've had worse happen to you. Think about all the horrible things that have happened to you. One by one. Really think about the horrible things that have happened during your life. Relive each of them now, in front of me. See, just like those other personal tragedies, you'll look back on this and laugh because you clearly haven't been smart enough to learn from your earlier failures, so it'll just be funny because you won’t understand because you're dumb.

You know what, man? The sum total of your previous experience should prepare you for all things, failing that you are worthless and your life has been wasteful.

Encouragement by acknowledging the current state of affairs

But you know what you should do? Take this time to focus on yourself. Get the job you want. Save some money. Meet new people. Try to get laid. Join a gym.

But you know what you should do? Get your shit together. You have a shitty job. You're broke. Wear a hat. You have no friends. ”Try” to get laid, don’t get your hopes up with that one because women don’t find you attractive and you are horribly out of shape.

But you know what you should do? Maybe try to stop being you, because it clearly isn't working. Look at what you've allowed yourself to become.

But you know what you should do? Give the eating a rest.

Encouragement by emphasizing the positive

But think about it, you're smart, you're funny, you're handsome, you're talented, you'll pull through this.

But think about it, think about how nice I am and how if you weren't lucky enough to have me as a friend, there wouldn't be anybody to lie to you in times of trouble.

Encouragement by The Miller Brewing Company of St. Louis Missouri

Think about it this way, a twelve pack of our generic, bland, watery beer will get you so tanked that you'll be able to connect to your feelings, but remain numb enough that you wont feel your body's physical revulsion at that process.

Think about it this way, a twelve pack of our generic, bland, watery beer will get you so tanked that you'll be able to connect to your feelings, but remain numb enough that you wont feel your body's physical revulsion at that process. Seriously.

Encouragement through the grand scheme of things

Try to put it in perspective, it could always be worse, you could live in Darfur, or be in Iraq, or jesus, look at that homeless guy, you could be that guy.

Try to put it in perspective, you don’t deserve the things you have and you look down your nose at the homeless when prompted.

Try to put it in perspective, you take everything for granted and are wasteful of your opportunities. You could help people but do not, because you are a selfish coward. Also, you have lots of change and are a liar.

Over-reaching advice

Everything is going to be just fine, everything always works out for the best, everything happens for a reason, the planets will align and you’ll be a better person for it.

I have nothing to say and I think you’re an idiot.