Tuesday, April 06, 2010

John's Letter.

I bought my friend a Sausage Making Book for his birthday, this is the letter that went with it. My brilliant girlfriend helped me shape and edit and write. I think it's funny.



Sausage making seems difficult, that’s why I got you this book. But let’s face facts, John. Books are long and time consuming and you’re a man on the go - it might take a while for you to read and master this new skill. Bearing that in mind, Amanda and I have come up with some supplementary material to make you appear instantly in command of sausage making until you are a true Sausage Master.

We have decided to follow the time honored “My name is X, myah myah myah” method.

· “My name’s Steve I think sausage stuffers are like potato chips, you can't have just one!” This is called “The Unstable Aphorism.” Take something that sounds true, attach it to an old saying and suddenly Steve is an idiot.

· “My name’s Dave, I think I’m so smart, I’m going to fill this casey-case with pork-pork” Mix it up, maybe call chicken “Bok Boks” ham “Ham-num”, call the grinder “Mr. Grindey” or “der Grime-der”.

· ““My name’s Betty, I think I’m so smart, I hope I don’t put my face and head in der grime-der!” In this instance, Betty is so dumb she doesn’t even know that faces are parts of heads. Maybe she doesn’t know the difference? Maybe nobody told her? It’s not important. The important thing is that you would never put your face in a grinder, or confuse faces for heads, because you are a Sausage King.

· “My name’s Jerry I learned how to make sausage from a booksy” This is the “I learned the hard way.” Possible follow up: Angrily slam down whatever is in your hand, mention your father’s farm in some sausage-making-capacity, and add “Fuck you, Jerry.”

· “My name is knifey I cut John’s finger and I’m going to get returned to Dehillerin which is a knife store on the Rue Coquillère in Paris because John is friends with the owner.” Always blame your tools. A poor workman blames his tools because he is too bad at his trade to afford good tools.

· “My name’s Bob I like cooking with wine, and sometimes I even put it in my food!" This appears to be a gentler touch, but Bob is an alcoholic.

Please, if you need more help, do not be afraid to ask me or Amanda.

Happy Birthday,

Dan and Amanda