Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Gothic Love: A True Story

Gothic Love: A True Story

Dante is lost in thought, he’s lost in her arms. He thinks to himself: "The world is a black death that only I and snookie wookems wuv muffin understand. Screw you, proletariat! Me and my kitten faced snuggle factory revolt against you, and your machinist overtones!" Then suddenly, from the depths of this morbid reality that he finds himself trapped in, he cries with all the power of the dark lord, "Ooh. Hey, stop that!" His voice clatters in the minarets of this dark and loathsome computer laboratory! His mind reels with anguish! "Oh, I hate it when she tickles me."

Tormented he is! He is lost in the throws of the penultimate torture of ticklery! Forsooth, she be a dark mage of nightmarish measures if ever there was one! "Giggledy Hee! I put a level five dark curse on you, Skeeter!" His curse is clearly deflected by her hell forged chains of malice and steel, which she bought at J.C. Penny for a dollar ninety five. J.C. Penny being the darkest of all outlet superstores. Also, he calls her Skeeter, sometimes. It's something they do. You wouldn’t understand you Commercialized Zombie Nightmare! "Embrace Nothing, my dark princess. And pretend as though I am Nothing! TEE-HEE!" Truly, he is the buddy of Satan!
Then ventures to speak to his love, "You’re pretty cool, Amethyst." He does so with a straight face. He doesn’t want to smile and ruin his lip liner. He lined his lips black today. "The Crow fucking rules." He thinks to himself. Then he says to his torturous love, "The Crow fucking rules." The Crow doth rule, cinema verite at it’s black hearted core!

"Yeah." She says placidly, lest she betray her true emotion, which she has planned to reveal at another, viler time. She plots in her mind about the time of her blood soaked and bone crushing announcement "I soooo want to tell him that, like, I think I love him. I should tell him today, no, like, tomorrow. I should make a MASH about it. Ooooh, my tummy is a butterfly hatchery from heaven!" She thinks, but clearly must have meant "...etc...From HELL!" She is cloaked in dark remorse and prays for rain! "I hope it rains, my Jetta is filthy." Mwahahahah! Avert your eyes, uninitiated worm! She has cast a spell on the skies above you!

Dante pets her thigh as though it were his own. When shall he make his move to steal her away and devour her thigh in a godless ritual? Surely he has decorated his abode in pentagrams, 666 and carved an altar from stone. Surely he has. "If she comes over tonight, I have to hide the Maxims." Surely he means his dark ideology which he has painted on the walls in goats blood! Dark, evil goats blood! "Maybe I should tell her my name is, Jeffery." Jeffery? Ahh, maybe, then, fuck ahh... Jeffery? Uhm. Jeffery backwards is yreffej! Deal with that, conformist! Conform to Yreffej’s evil plot! Kill yourself with rope!

She is purring now, like a witch’s familiar panther. The strong, black cat that she is. She is his hell cat, and he her hell hound, with just two fewer heads than Cerberus, the hell hound who has three heads! She is enjoying the thigh pet and is countering his love magic with a level nine back scratch! Surreptitious back scratch level 9, activate! You are truly in her claws now, Dante. Or Jeffery. Jeffery is now well on his way to being entranced by her bilious, sticky, love magic. Her black army boots are slowly trudging through your dark and hazy soul. "Want to watch Soul Plane tonight?" She asks. Devilish Chicanery! No human would ever subject their eyes to the most horrid film in history! She is clearly attempting to court the devil himself!

"Sure. I’ll bring pop." POP? What the fuck? C’mon man! Ahh, ahhh haha, by uhmm, ok. Ok. Ok. By pop he means the curious murky fluid of Hell’s chalices that is carbonated by human souls, and pop as they reach the surface and foolishly attempt to reach their heaven! Laughable, courageous endeavor though it may be, all who know, know that all pop is flat in helllll. Satan pisses on your enjoyment of sodas.

"Dante?" She asks. A dark twinkle in her eyes, that surely is the harbinger of a dark secret. Will she finally reveal that she is merely a demon monster in human cloaking? Or, perhaps she will get his attention so that she can stab him in his fleshy underbelly with a hidden bone dagger? Of all her collection of daggers, the bone dagger would be most likely to end him in the most painful way! Prepare to die, you who was once known as Dante, but is secretly Jeffery The Hidden!
"Yes, Amethyst?" Oh, be absorbed into her devilish trap, Jeffery The Hidden! Your Health Points are surely to be vanquished with the utmost urgency, by Amethyst’s hell forged blade of bone, which is +2 to hit!

"Uhmm I don’t know how to tell you this. But..." Here we shall learn her dark secret! Prepare to die, Jeffery! You knowest not what Amethyst contains in her black heart! "...Could you call me Amy from now on? My real name is Amy." Oh, what, the, fuck! Amy? Are you serious? You are a black guardian of Satan. A mystical lover of evil schemes! Your name be Amethyst The Dark Crystal of Doom, not Amy The Baker of Cakes, Inhabitant of the Suburbs. This is ridiculous! What happened to all the darkness that swirled about this Computer Laboratory like demons feeding? It has been replaced by Boring White People of Track Housing! Fucking Jerks, I skipped Model UN to narrate this story, and you guys are ruining everything. Shit. I mean, I am Doomulous the Viewer of Lost Souls! Peer with me into my Cauldron of Sight! I will punch you in the face! Kill yourself, it’s the only way to escape my evil gaze!

"All right, but only if you call me Jeffery" ‘The Hidden. Call me Jeffery the Hidden, or you will die by my hand!’

"oh wow, I thought you’d be mad" ‘at my righteous indignation of anger and I will slay you with...’

"No no, I only started dressing like this to meet girls anyway" Slow down, trying to Narrate this back to the original, dark path! ‘Girls made of bones and evil, and you’re certainly not it, because your name is Amy, which is stupid. I divorce myself from this conversation.’

"Oh, well I guess you found one." ‘And now I will end you! I will stab you in the face with a bone and then cast a spell of stabbing! Which is something I invented just now, for I am Amethyst The Dark Crystal of Doom!’

"This computer lab is cozy." Cozy is a word used by wieners! I hate it. He must have meant that, ‘oh I’ll make this computer lab cozy, but igniting it with brimstone, ohh we’ll all cozilly bake in it’s furious heat.’ That’s what he meant! Read into it no more, for I am the Dark Interpreter of Casual Conversation! Doomulous be my name!

"All this leather is chafing, isn’t it?" She asked knowing the boooooring answer already.

"Yeah, don’t tell Damian and those guys, but when I get home, I always take it off and put o this fuzzy robe that my Nanna got for me." Oooh look how un-evil this conversation is, whaaahhh my Nanna or something. Your Nanna is in the pits of fiery hell, Jeffery! I smacked her in the face with a salmon! Strange and horrible tortures have been applied to her visage by me, doer of evil!

"Oh my god, I do the same thing! That’s so funny!" No it isn’t, whore. It’s just not at all. I hope you catch a cold and then sneeze a lot. Fuck, now I’m having a hard time being evil. Fucking conformers are sucking the life out of me.

"And you know how there used to be those days where nobody could find me?" Oh oh oh! This better involve a haunted forest or I am fucking out of here. He’s got an evil, lecherous look in his eye. It seems as though he’s going to reveal that this was all a trick. Yes! A trick worthy of Old Scratch himself, he had just been testing her. He is truly a dark and worthy Goth, and she is as though she is made of shit. She has shit where her brains should be, and therefor he shall call her Shit For Brains and then he’s going to go back to his coven and drink the blood of the young. Right, Dante? Your inferno may yet burn brightly!

"I was at banana republic, I had a part time job there for a while." FAKE. Fake goth! Phony! Everyone understands you and you secretly like football. Ruined my whole goddamned day. I refuse to sit here and Narrate this Jock’s story for one moment longer.

I banish you both into the glowing pink pits of love and happiness. Be forever doomed to walk the earth in reasonably priced, comfortable clothing. I doom you to clear skin, and gender specific make up assignments. I AM DOOMULOUS! I say the future. I read your souls in my black cauldron of bubbly hate! I shall sick spiders on your faces when you least expect it. I am the owner of Shadows, Worshiper of Hate; while your names are Amy and Jeff, the retarded and whom I don’t like very much. Enjoy damnation in the eternal suburbs of quaintness! You hear me? Enjoy conforming, conformists! My leather pants chafe too, you don’t hear me whining about it. You understand me? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? I AM DOOMULOUS! I’m going to go do something else now. I’ll talk to you later. I’ll probably see you in math or whatever.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


I haven't touched Ian and Shane since I came down with the sickness. It'll be done soon. I realize this is the fortieth time I said that. Yesterday I wound up at the coffee shop and this fell out of my head and it's nothing special, just another one of those weird first person monolouges I wind up writing a lot of. I'm going to post it because I don't know what else to do with it, really.

Here goes. Lets call itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt uhmmmmm?? Faith. Let's call it Faith.


"Hooray! It’s time to wake up! Blessed be, the sun is shining. Thank you glorious Savior! Not, saviour! Like those filthy british folk spell it. Savior is splled without the U. Although the YOU is always inside the Savior! He bringeth thee to the table of children!"

That was my morning prayer this morning. I always take whatever I can and offer it up to our Lord and Savior, Jesus. He allows me to rise from my slumber like He rose from the grave, and so every morning I offer Him a prayer. I make them up each day, not every prayer has a script, you know. In the mornings, fresh from my sleep, I just tell Him whatever I have on my mind.
Last night I fell asleep while watching a Bible Picture, it was narrated by a horrible brittish man. His voice irked me. I’m amazed I slept as good as I did. That’s why I had that comment about the British folk in there this morning. That silly accent of his ruined my movie. Jesus didnt talk like that.

I have to go to the market today. I need apples. I go to MostroMart. I love it there. They have just everything you could need. It’s a lovely place.

Yesterday on the bus some sort of horrible man had some sort of horrible music running through the bus. I prayed on the bus. I prayed that he would be smoted for ruining my bus ride. I prayed and just a short five stops later, he got right off that bus, just like I asked Jesus. Jesus, deliver me from the evil of mankind. We know what they do.

I sing in the choir on Sundays. Singing to the Lord is like praying twice, they say. I bet Jesus appreciates my singing. That Helen though, she does play a piano awfully bad. I’ve been praying to Jesus to make her better, but she just hasn’t gotten the hang of it yet. I don’t know why Jesus torments me so. I’m a good person, He should do as I say.

Tomorrow I’m going to make my rounds at the Holy Temple of Faith. It’s a group of people that go around and bless buildings and trees and such. Just whatever we can get our hands on, we bless it. We take a bucket of water and just set to blessing. It’s thrilling. Last week we were out for well over fourteen hours. We were tired, but the Lord doth deliver naps. "And He say unto the wearyish let there be various nappery." John 8:11. I think that’s John 8:11. I hope so. If not, let the Lord edit His life book however He’d like. I certainly don’t care. I mean, I do, I do care. I don't mean to tell the Lord what he should do. Certainly.

I am right and just to walk the earth and bless those who need be blessed. The other day I was walking with The Holy Temple of Faith, just walking around, blessing things. We’ve blessed 80% of the major buildings in the city. We covered everywhere but the diamond district, as that’s where those dirty Jews live. We don’t want to waste good holy water on them. Most it’ll do is burn their flesh. Don’t say anything, but Pastor Bob has been working on a secret batch of holy water so holy that it’ll instantly convert those that touch it. It’s been a pet project of his for some time now, you understand. He’s had it in his basement for months. His biggest concern is that when the Jews come near they’ll smell it for evil and burn his house down.

But the other day we’re out there a-blessin. And we douse a fella right in his face. Lord, deliver us from the unbelievers. You should’ve heard the things that came out of his dark, evil mouth. Do not take the Lords name in vein is one of the commandments, I’m pretty sure it’s high up there on the list too, you understand. We had an emergency meeting around the corner and decided it would be best not to bless anybody in the face. At most we’ll spray the backs of their legs as they walk by. It’s a bonus besides, because then when they sit down, they’ll leave the Lord on the bus or wherever they rest their weary bones. Praise be. Praise be.

Once I got attacked by a bear and I prayed and the Lord delivered me from the bear. He was in my living room and he was on fire. I don’t know how it happened, but there he was coming at me not like a bear, but a bear on fire. I got right down to my knees and started my heart a-prayin. I’ll be darned if that bear didn’t drop over dead just as he was about to get his claws onto me. Thank you Jesus, for lighting that bear on fire and then striking him down at the precise moment that I suggested. You are my light, my protector, my extinguisher of bears.

I had fainted from the horror of it all. My friends found me later that afternoon. Apparently I had made it upstairs before I succummed to the emotion. I was on the floor in the bathroom under my medicine cabinet, which was open somehow. Not sure who opened it, but aparently it was gaping open and their was no trace of that bear. My friends had thought that I had fainted or had an episode or something like that. Thank You, Lord for cleaning up that bear and leaving my friends questions unanswered.

Nobody ever spoke of that incident ever again.

I’m going to the reptile house at the zoo today with the group. The plan is to break into the snake pit, and kill all the snakes. That way, should one of them be the devil, we will conquer all evil in a single stroke. We’re not quite sure how to get past the guards or how to kill all the snakes yet, but I’m sure Pastor Bob has a wealth of ideas.

We’re going to bless our way down this afternoon, smite evil, then bless our way back. It should be a nanny of a hoot. I’m excited. So excited. Oh Lord I’m so excited. It’s. It’s going to be sooo amazing. Too amazing. I’m getting too excited. Calm, Esther, Calm. Down. You understand how excited I get with the thought of smiting evil and doing all the glorious work that God commands me to do. Only upon doing him good shall I be looked upon favorably from the Throne of the Lord. High Praise be. Lord I am yours and you are mine. Do my bidding. Please.

When the devil is quite out of the way, I think it’ll be time for God to mosey on down and take charge. I figure he’ll either come down on a Chariot of Fire, a Chariot of White Light, or a Chariot of Lightning. Pastor Bob caught some of the lesser members of the group gambling on which it would be. Sinful. They were casting lots at the Chariot of the Lord. When the Trumpets sound, we will see where they wind up. My guess is they shatter to ash. Glorious ash. Then it will just be me and Pastor Bob and we’ll walk towards God and then we’ll all bow together. Everyone to God, and then God to me. Together. We’ll all bow together, you understand.

On the Bless Walk today, I’m going to say secret prayers for the rest of the groups deaths to be swift and painless. I know that they’re trying to walk the righteous path, but they’re just not pure souls. No fault of their own. God made them that way. And in His glorious vision, he decided I would learn something valuable in seeing them die in a haze of cinder. Like the time he killed my husband.

My husband died 20 years ago next month. Praise the lord. The lord does giveth and he doth taketh away. Our tiny minds cannot possibly understand how god works. We can’t. But I know that god took my husband because god needed him up in heaven. God needed my husband, and he wanted to teach me a valuable lesson about life. That’s why he took my George from me. I thank him for it every day. I know he thanks me for thanking him. It’s important that he took him from me, and it’s important that I know that god did it so that I could learn from it.

When god took my daughter from me, it was the same way. It’s just important to know that god is teaching me a lesson. Just making me a better person by taking things from me. Things that I had callously loved more than god. My love for others should be like hatred compared to my love of god. And it is. I hate everything.

There’s no way for people to know what God wants, what he is, what he thinks. But it’s important that you understand all of those things. That’s why I go on my daily blessing walks. We need to secure everything for God. All of these things are His, and this is just our way of making sure that He knows that we know that they’re His and we’re only borrowing them until such a time that we can be returned to Him in order to teach someone else a lesson.

And this afternoon when we try to conquer that pit of snakes, I might just do him one better and teach Myself a lesson. I’m going to jump into that pit of snakes. Jump right in. Pastor Bob had an idea for starting a fire down there, but I’m going to take My fight straight to the devil himself. I’m going to dive right down in there. Snakes be damned, praise be to Me. Then Pastor Bob and the rest will learn the lesson that God is eventually going to teach them anyway. Esther was too good for this world and not worthy of the harm that he put on Her. I’m sorry lord. I’m sorry. I will find that devil in that pit of despair and then I’ll see George and my baby again. And I’ll have taught My friends a valuable lesson in doing so, just as you would. Only in death can we see your beautiful message. Only then. First thing this afternoon, you’ll see, you’ll see My message and you’ll see Me. Just tell Me, you understand.


one foot feet