Sunday, August 07, 2005

Ian and Shane

There's more to this, it'll be posted later on.
Ian and Shane

"I don’t know any black people. I’ve never been near any."
"You’ve never been near a black person?"
"No. It’s just something that never came up. I grew up wealthy. I lived in a white neighborhood. Mostly jews. I’m not racist, I just don’t know any black people."
"You are a racist, you shouldve met black people by now."
"So I shouldve just gone up to a black person on the street and introduced myself because they’re black?"
"Something like that. Maybe at work. Or at school."
"I went to an all white school. I don’t work. I’m very wealthy."
"You should make it a point to go meet a black person."
"That’s ridiculous."
"Why is that ridiculous."
"I should take the day tomorrow and go find a black person?"
"So what would I say? I just walk up to a stranger and say ‘We should talk because you’re black.’
"Something like that, only be less of a dick about it."
"I’m not being a dick, the situation would be ridiculous. I couldn’t do that."
"I think you owe it to yourself to do it."
"I don’t really like people in general, I don’t meet people well. I get nervous."
"That’s your fault."
"Yes it is."
"Get in the car right now, we’re going to find a black person."
"Can we stop along the way for an eskimo, I don’t know any of those either."
"Don’t be a dick, get in the car."
"I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying my black person free day right here."
"Why do you refuse to meet a black person?"
"I don’t refuse, it just hasnt come up. I’ll meet one when it happens. I’m not going to force myself on the black community."
"I think that y–"
"Also, it’s African American isnt it?"
"Not the point, the point is –"
"you’re a filthy racist. Calling African Americans ‘black’ disgusting. I think you should leave."
"You’re such a dick, you’re the racist. I know black people."
"Yes you do. And you made it a point to do so, which is weird. And racist."
"How is that racist?"
"I’m not sure, I just don’t feel right about it."
"I feel great about it."
"Me too. Let’s not go anywhere at all."
"You’re annoying. Let’s go find a black person and get you two fixed up."
"We’re going to go hunting black folk?"
"Two rich guys are going to get into your black mercedes and then go grab a black person off the street so that I can shake his hand, maybe go out for coffee or something like that?"
"I think it’s the right thing to do."
"What time is it?"
"Alright. Let’s go russsle me up a black friend."

In the car

"Just remember when this goes sour, it was your idea in the first place."
"You agreed to go. I think it’s important for both of us."
"I think you’re retarded. I think that’s important for both of us."
"Such a dick."
"I’m bored. I only came because I was bored in the first place, this is even more boring."
"I’m enjoying myself."
"I’m glad."
"This is fun though isnt it? We’re coming down from our ivory towers and mingling with the common folk."
"Nope. I should be in the pool. Or with Shelly."
"Shelly’s no good for you."
"I’ll tell you what we shouldve done. We shouldve gone around back and talked to my landscaper."
"Why’s that?"
"He’s mexican. We couldve went halfs on the whole thing and you wouldve gone home and I would be in the pool or getting laid."
"Mexicans don’t –"
"Or in the pool getting laid, which would be the best option for today."
"Not a bad day right there."
"No sir."
"Oh hey! There’s a black guy!"
"There he is. What do we do?"
"We follow the plan."
"There’s a plan?"
"Yeah. I thought we went over the plan."
"I didnt even know we needed a plan."
"There has to be a plan, there’s always a plan."
"A plan for meeting black people? There’s a black people meeting guide?"
"I worked it out one day, it’s pretty solid. I’ll pull over, we should go over everything."
"This is ridiculous."

The plan

"Here’s the plan –"
"Should we get out of the car, I feel like it would be better if we got out of the car."
"I think you’re right."
"Be careful getting out your side, don’t get hit."
"Allright, so what’s the plan?"
"Are you ready?"
"I think so, I cant be sure."
"I know how you feel. Alright, here it is. We pull up alongside of a black guy, you say hello, we fucking floor it."
"Just say ‘hello’ then I’m going to step on the gas and we’ll be gone before he can react."
"I really don’t understand."
"Alright. You say "hi." I drive fast."
"No I understand the steps involved I don’t understand why those are the steps though."
"Which one?"
"Fucking both of them, Ian. ‘Hello’ is pretty simple for this grand ‘meeting’ you had planned. I thought I was supposed to make friends with a black person. And why are you taking off after I say hello?"
"I just didn’t know if you were prepared for the more advanced stages."
"I think I can handle it."
"Allright then. We pull up along side a black person and then we grab him and throw him in the trunk."
"That’s what you have to do. It’s the only way to really do it."
"To meet a black guy, I have to hogtie him and throw him in the trunk of your car."
"I never said hogtie, but I think it’s a good idea."
"I don’t even understand what’s happening."
"I think you owe it to yourself to hogtie and kidnap a black guy so we can make friends with him. I think it’s the best way of doing things."
"What time is it?"
"Alright, seems like we have the day anyway."
"Nowhere to be?"
"Then if we’re going to do this, I think we should do it right. I don’t know any other way of reasoning with black people."
"Me neither. I don’t even know any. Is this how it’s done."
"I believe it’s an african custom."
"I think you’re right, Mercedes Trunks are big in tribal rituals."
"Are they?"
"No, Ian. No, they’re not."
"They should be."
"I think it would be for the best."
"Let’s get back on the road."
Back on the road
"Yes Shane?"
"I think that you should explain the plan to me one more time. So I’m sure."
"I drive up. You get out, I get out, we grab a black guy, throw him in the trunk, we leave."
"Ok. I think maybe we should start smaller. Suddenly I’m not so sure of myself."
"It’s ok, Shane. We’ll take it slow."
"Let’s start with the ‘Hello’ first."
"Ok. I’m going to get off at the next exit, then we’re going to try it out. You see how it goes."
"Ok. I’m nervous Ian."
"You’re not good with people, Shane."
"I know. It’s no good."
"Alright, here we go. Here’s the exit. Here’s the first light. Right or left?"
"Chose your destiny, right or left?"
"Oh. Right. Always right."
"Alright, oh man! There’s one already. They’re biting today."
"Hello. Hellllo. Hey. Hi. Hiya. Howya doin.."
"What are you doing?"
"Practicing, which do you think is best.
"Just say hello, it’s not difficult."
"Yeah, but do you think I should do it more street like?"
"How do you mean?"
"Should I throw a ‘Yo’ in there or a "Waasssuupp!" or should I tell them where I live?"
"You’re ridiculous, just say hello."
"I’m nervous. They’re so dark. What if they don’t understand me?"
"It’s going to be fine. Alright here we go, there’s one there. He’s waiting for a bus."
"My stomach is off, maybe we should do this tomorrow."
"Now or never!! I’m stopping! Here he is, I’ll hit the horn."


"Shane! Shane! Shane?"
"Oh my god, what happened? Where are we?"
"We’re in a Denny’s parking lot. You passed out as soon as I hit the gas. How do you feel?"
"A little woozy."
"What happened."
"You didn’t stick to the plan Ian, that’s what the fuck happened."
"What are you talking about? I stopped, you said hello, I floored it."
"Oh is that what happened?"
"Yeah. That was the plan."
"Oh so where in the fucking plan does it say ‘Ian will honk horn?’ where?"
"I thought you realized we’d have to get his attention."
"How would I know that unless you tell me? You invented the plan, Ian. I didnt have anything to do with the plan. Actually, this whole day was your fault. I was perfectly happy not knowing black people. You shouldve fucking warned me."
"I’m sorry, Shane. I didnt think."
"No. You never think. Fucking horn, Ian? c’mon! I’m lucky to be alive."
"Jesus man I said I was sorry."
"Ahhh fuck. Fuck. It’s allright, I’m still a little shaken up. Did you see how black he was? And he was reading a paper. I couldnt believe it."
"It was amazing."
"Fuck man, it was exhilirating."
"I knew you’d do well."
"I think he liked me, I really do."
"I think so too."
"The ‘SIR’ was just ad libbed I didnt even know I was going to say that until it happened. It felt good though. Organic."
"I wasnt going to say anything until you did, but I thought the ‘SIR’ was magnificent. I didn’t see it coming."
"Pheew. Still lightheaded. Hah!"