Tuesday, July 14, 2009

This is a conversation that just happened. In real life. Before I begin, you should know I do something that's basically internet logistics, I make sure things are in the right place while trying to ignore how horribly ironic that job is for someone who so desperately does not want to be where he is. I will kill everyone in the world with my terrifying might.

"Why do we have this order?"
"You guys have a Spanish speaking editor."
"Right, but why do we have it?"
"Because of boring reason A, and we only have --"
"I will cut you off and tell you that there are several offices that can handle this sort of task."
"I kindly disagree, there are only 3 places that can do this type of task."
"No, there's five or six."
"No, there are only three offices that have Spanish speaking editors ."
"So you're telling me that there are only three offices that have Spanish speaking --"
"I will cut you off and say 'yep' because you are an asshole, because anyone in the world who begins a fucking sentence with "So you're telling me" and then repeats the previous sentence verbatim is an asshole."
"Only three?"
"Sigh. That's right. That's what I said."
"Which three is that?"
"You, Houston and New York."
"What about SF?"
"You realize that I have no reason to lie to you, right?"
"SF. What about frank?"
"Fabricio? He quit.
"Yeah. He's gone."
"You know, we lost touch almost instantly."
"You really want to know where Fabricio went?"
"That's right."
"Really he could be anywhere. You should contact his next of kin."
"You're an asshole."


Monday, July 13, 2009

Introducing Mr. Penny.

I've got another itch to do something long form. I have an idea. Hopefully a finishable, tolerable idea.

This is how it started, more or less:

"Look, I swear I don't know what you're talking about."
"Do not make this harder for the both of us! I do not wish to waste my time, you would do well to answer my questions. Do you deny that I witnessed this sign with mine own eyes?"
"Do I what?"
"Last week, there was a sign, here, was there not?"
"What sign."
"Sir, were you or were you not working last Tuesday, the 23rd?"
"Yeah, I filled in for Jeff."
"Aha! So you admit that you were working, am I correct?"
"Yes. I filled in for Jeff. He had a thing."
"Where is this 'Jeff' today? Hm?"
"He had another thing, he'll be here tomorrow."
"Interesting. Jeff. Interesting. And yet you say that there was no sign on the very counter top that you are now standing behind?"
"There may have been. I don't put up the --"
"So you concede that there was a sign?!"
"Ok, yeah. Sure."
"And that sign said twenty percent off men's slacks on Tuesday the 30th?"
"I don't remember."
"I see. I see." Mr. Penny said. "I wish to speak to your manager."
"I told you, he's got a thing."
"Ah. This 'Jeff' is your manager?"
"Yes. Jeff's the boss."
"Very well. Have him contact me at his next earliest convenience."
"Do you still want the pants?"
"I don't think so, no. I only brought enough with the 20 percent and then the bus -- "
"It's fine, don't worry about it."
"Yeah, it's fine."
"Thank you, sir."
"Just don't tell --"
"You have my word that Jeff will remain in the dark about our transaction here today." This Men's Warehouse is a vile machine.