When I finish the rest I'll post it. I dont know when that will be. The important thing is you have this one page to work with. The rest will be much like the beginning. Strange but entertaining to me and only me.
And so begins the single greatest typed page in the english language...
William Howitzer III was an American billionaire. He made his fortune by being born. His father William Howitzer II was made famous in the nineteen fifties for selling his name to a tank manufacturer.
When the Howitzer Tank flew off the shelves, William The Second made a significant fortune and later sold his first name to a popular Mayonnaise used in fast food chains. "William’s Mayonnaise!" graced the counter of every fast food restaurant in the country.
Being left nameless after having sold both of his names to Tanks and Mayonnaise, his own naming rights were sold to a Bank seeking notoriety in the area. First Function Bank was a small bank from Chicago and aiming to become a big bank in New York. They knew that The Second was a popular, wealthy man, and offered to rename him in their honor so that they might gain free advertising.
First Function Bank The Second died shortly after depositing a four billion dollar check from his namesake into his namesake. It was a tragic day and he was the last person in history to be crushed by a piano which was being hoisted up on cables in the middle of New York City for no discernable reason.
His death sent shockwaves through the banking, tanking and Mayonnaise industries alike. All of New York was crushed metaphorically by William’s literal crushing. When the news paper’s headlines read "First Function Bank Crushed By Errant Piano" First Function’s stocks plummeted while Errant Piano stocks soared.
William Howitzer III’s father died when he was only nine years old. He was nine when he inherited a fortune estimated at over 40 billion dollars. When an insensitive reporter asked him what he would do with all that money 9 year old William Howitzer III replied "I’m going to get some cereal." Everyone laughed at his boyish naivete and charm.
Ten years later Howitzer Brand Cereal Flakes was the number one selling cereal in the country. "What the fuck did I say?!?" Was the name of his number one best-selling autobiography about his leap to the top of the Cereal heap.
When he was ten years old he began the company in his back yard.
As a billionaire, his backyard was quite expansive and the factory immense. His back yard employed over fifteen hundred people. It was a top of the line facility and very forward thinking. Each employee had access to gyms, day care, free phone service, giant sandbox, double decker merry go round and could take lunch at either Trampoline Island or The Robot Violence Center. It is important to reiterate that he was ten at this time.
His desk was situated in a giant cage full of plastic balls. No one was allowed to wear shoes into his office. He would take conference calls waist deep in a rainbow assortment of colors. He ruled his company with an iron fist, from the top of an ivory tower, in a room full of plastic balls.
As he got older the company grew larger, the profits increased, the cereal became more and more popular. In many ways the company began to run under its own power, it became it’s own being and needed less and less attention from it’s owner.
That's all I've got for you right now. Check back in six or seven months and I will probably have forgotten this ever happened. Or maybe I wont, maybe I'll be knee deep in trim and have a gold plated head. Who knows what the future holds, certainly not you, dummy.
Six or seven months ago, if you asked me to predict the future I would probably say that I would be out of work, sitting on the edge of my bed and typing to nobody which would be right but I wouldnt be happy about it. So today's lesson? "Only use your magic, future seeing powers when you can stomach what you will become." And that happens to be a motto I have tattooeyd on my balls.
I'll leave you with that.
One Foot Feet