Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Gothic Love: A True Story

Gothic Love: A True Story

Dante is lost in thought, he’s lost in her arms. He thinks to himself: "The world is a black death that only I and snookie wookems wuv muffin understand. Screw you, proletariat! Me and my kitten faced snuggle factory revolt against you, and your machinist overtones!" Then suddenly, from the depths of this morbid reality that he finds himself trapped in, he cries with all the power of the dark lord, "Ooh. Hey, stop that!" His voice clatters in the minarets of this dark and loathsome computer laboratory! His mind reels with anguish! "Oh, I hate it when she tickles me."

Tormented he is! He is lost in the throws of the penultimate torture of ticklery! Forsooth, she be a dark mage of nightmarish measures if ever there was one! "Giggledy Hee! I put a level five dark curse on you, Skeeter!" His curse is clearly deflected by her hell forged chains of malice and steel, which she bought at J.C. Penny for a dollar ninety five. J.C. Penny being the darkest of all outlet superstores. Also, he calls her Skeeter, sometimes. It's something they do. You wouldn’t understand you Commercialized Zombie Nightmare! "Embrace Nothing, my dark princess. And pretend as though I am Nothing! TEE-HEE!" Truly, he is the buddy of Satan!
Then ventures to speak to his love, "You’re pretty cool, Amethyst." He does so with a straight face. He doesn’t want to smile and ruin his lip liner. He lined his lips black today. "The Crow fucking rules." He thinks to himself. Then he says to his torturous love, "The Crow fucking rules." The Crow doth rule, cinema verite at it’s black hearted core!

"Yeah." She says placidly, lest she betray her true emotion, which she has planned to reveal at another, viler time. She plots in her mind about the time of her blood soaked and bone crushing announcement "I soooo want to tell him that, like, I think I love him. I should tell him today, no, like, tomorrow. I should make a MASH about it. Ooooh, my tummy is a butterfly hatchery from heaven!" She thinks, but clearly must have meant "...etc...From HELL!" She is cloaked in dark remorse and prays for rain! "I hope it rains, my Jetta is filthy." Mwahahahah! Avert your eyes, uninitiated worm! She has cast a spell on the skies above you!

Dante pets her thigh as though it were his own. When shall he make his move to steal her away and devour her thigh in a godless ritual? Surely he has decorated his abode in pentagrams, 666 and carved an altar from stone. Surely he has. "If she comes over tonight, I have to hide the Maxims." Surely he means his dark ideology which he has painted on the walls in goats blood! Dark, evil goats blood! "Maybe I should tell her my name is, Jeffery." Jeffery? Ahh, maybe, then, fuck ahh... Jeffery? Uhm. Jeffery backwards is yreffej! Deal with that, conformist! Conform to Yreffej’s evil plot! Kill yourself with rope!

She is purring now, like a witch’s familiar panther. The strong, black cat that she is. She is his hell cat, and he her hell hound, with just two fewer heads than Cerberus, the hell hound who has three heads! She is enjoying the thigh pet and is countering his love magic with a level nine back scratch! Surreptitious back scratch level 9, activate! You are truly in her claws now, Dante. Or Jeffery. Jeffery is now well on his way to being entranced by her bilious, sticky, love magic. Her black army boots are slowly trudging through your dark and hazy soul. "Want to watch Soul Plane tonight?" She asks. Devilish Chicanery! No human would ever subject their eyes to the most horrid film in history! She is clearly attempting to court the devil himself!

"Sure. I’ll bring pop." POP? What the fuck? C’mon man! Ahh, ahhh haha, by uhmm, ok. Ok. Ok. By pop he means the curious murky fluid of Hell’s chalices that is carbonated by human souls, and pop as they reach the surface and foolishly attempt to reach their heaven! Laughable, courageous endeavor though it may be, all who know, know that all pop is flat in helllll. Satan pisses on your enjoyment of sodas.

"Dante?" She asks. A dark twinkle in her eyes, that surely is the harbinger of a dark secret. Will she finally reveal that she is merely a demon monster in human cloaking? Or, perhaps she will get his attention so that she can stab him in his fleshy underbelly with a hidden bone dagger? Of all her collection of daggers, the bone dagger would be most likely to end him in the most painful way! Prepare to die, you who was once known as Dante, but is secretly Jeffery The Hidden!
"Yes, Amethyst?" Oh, be absorbed into her devilish trap, Jeffery The Hidden! Your Health Points are surely to be vanquished with the utmost urgency, by Amethyst’s hell forged blade of bone, which is +2 to hit!

"Uhmm I don’t know how to tell you this. But..." Here we shall learn her dark secret! Prepare to die, Jeffery! You knowest not what Amethyst contains in her black heart! "...Could you call me Amy from now on? My real name is Amy." Oh, what, the, fuck! Amy? Are you serious? You are a black guardian of Satan. A mystical lover of evil schemes! Your name be Amethyst The Dark Crystal of Doom, not Amy The Baker of Cakes, Inhabitant of the Suburbs. This is ridiculous! What happened to all the darkness that swirled about this Computer Laboratory like demons feeding? It has been replaced by Boring White People of Track Housing! Fucking Jerks, I skipped Model UN to narrate this story, and you guys are ruining everything. Shit. I mean, I am Doomulous the Viewer of Lost Souls! Peer with me into my Cauldron of Sight! I will punch you in the face! Kill yourself, it’s the only way to escape my evil gaze!

"All right, but only if you call me Jeffery" ‘The Hidden. Call me Jeffery the Hidden, or you will die by my hand!’

"oh wow, I thought you’d be mad" ‘at my righteous indignation of anger and I will slay you with...’

"No no, I only started dressing like this to meet girls anyway" Slow down, trying to Narrate this back to the original, dark path! ‘Girls made of bones and evil, and you’re certainly not it, because your name is Amy, which is stupid. I divorce myself from this conversation.’

"Oh, well I guess you found one." ‘And now I will end you! I will stab you in the face with a bone and then cast a spell of stabbing! Which is something I invented just now, for I am Amethyst The Dark Crystal of Doom!’

"This computer lab is cozy." Cozy is a word used by wieners! I hate it. He must have meant that, ‘oh I’ll make this computer lab cozy, but igniting it with brimstone, ohh we’ll all cozilly bake in it’s furious heat.’ That’s what he meant! Read into it no more, for I am the Dark Interpreter of Casual Conversation! Doomulous be my name!

"All this leather is chafing, isn’t it?" She asked knowing the boooooring answer already.

"Yeah, don’t tell Damian and those guys, but when I get home, I always take it off and put o this fuzzy robe that my Nanna got for me." Oooh look how un-evil this conversation is, whaaahhh my Nanna or something. Your Nanna is in the pits of fiery hell, Jeffery! I smacked her in the face with a salmon! Strange and horrible tortures have been applied to her visage by me, doer of evil!

"Oh my god, I do the same thing! That’s so funny!" No it isn’t, whore. It’s just not at all. I hope you catch a cold and then sneeze a lot. Fuck, now I’m having a hard time being evil. Fucking conformers are sucking the life out of me.

"And you know how there used to be those days where nobody could find me?" Oh oh oh! This better involve a haunted forest or I am fucking out of here. He’s got an evil, lecherous look in his eye. It seems as though he’s going to reveal that this was all a trick. Yes! A trick worthy of Old Scratch himself, he had just been testing her. He is truly a dark and worthy Goth, and she is as though she is made of shit. She has shit where her brains should be, and therefor he shall call her Shit For Brains and then he’s going to go back to his coven and drink the blood of the young. Right, Dante? Your inferno may yet burn brightly!

"I was at banana republic, I had a part time job there for a while." FAKE. Fake goth! Phony! Everyone understands you and you secretly like football. Ruined my whole goddamned day. I refuse to sit here and Narrate this Jock’s story for one moment longer.

I banish you both into the glowing pink pits of love and happiness. Be forever doomed to walk the earth in reasonably priced, comfortable clothing. I doom you to clear skin, and gender specific make up assignments. I AM DOOMULOUS! I say the future. I read your souls in my black cauldron of bubbly hate! I shall sick spiders on your faces when you least expect it. I am the owner of Shadows, Worshiper of Hate; while your names are Amy and Jeff, the retarded and whom I don’t like very much. Enjoy damnation in the eternal suburbs of quaintness! You hear me? Enjoy conforming, conformists! My leather pants chafe too, you don’t hear me whining about it. You understand me? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? I AM DOOMULOUS! I’m going to go do something else now. I’ll talk to you later. I’ll probably see you in math or whatever.

2 comments:

Pouge du Monts said...

Masterfully done, Doomulous. Your ability to express your disgust over the whorish Amy and her varsity letter -winning boyfriend is sure to send your experience points into triple digits.

Tio Carne said...

The narrative is well done, especially towards the end. Great use of roll playing game terminology. I was lost in the beginning. I did not know what to think or when it would get funny, but once I became accustomed to the style it flowed pretty well. I laughed out loud a few times, unforced. Often I think that the laughter comes from knowing how the author would dictate live. I would like to request another installment if possible. If not, go fuck yourself.