Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wedding Packages

You deserve a wedding as Priceless as the word Priceless is misleading, which is why Loveco has created a several tiered love management system for the perfect wedding on any budget - from appropriate to offensive. Please take a moment to review carefully, as prices have dramatically increased:

The Rich and Royal Wedding

You and your Prince are picked up from the cosmetic surgery of your choosing and whisked away by Horse Drawn Horse Drawn Carriage. Your police escort will guide you down a major thoroughfare laid over with red carpet and its sidewalks filled with a lavender scented adoring public. Offer them a tuppence or pull over and have your driver spray them with a firehose. It’s your day!

Upon arriving at St. Loveco Church, each of your friends will be Super Baptized in a tasteful ceremony presided over by your recently canonized mother or a Bishop of your choosing. Enjoy a traditional church wedding before being smothered in craven images at your reception in The Raised Titanic’s Ballroom! Comfortably seat 1000 guests and dance the night away with wealthy ghosts!

Look at what love hath wrought, with Loveco!

The Maid’s Quarters

Measure expectations in a moderately lavish hall in the Shadow of Loveco Mansion. For a more modest fee, The Maid’s Quarters is probably enough to demonstrate your scrappy, work-a-day commitment to your partner and your genuine, understandable, concern for your future. No ice sculpture? Probably no problem! After all, your kind of money can’t buy you love.

The Maid’s Quarters seats 150 onlookers and finger-crossers. Earn the wary respect of several as you drive yourself in our nearly polished town car, and receive an ‘atta-girl’ shoulder punch from your best friend’s sister. Once the lights are dimmed in your mother’s fainting chamber, it’s time to nervously teeter down the aisle! Brace yourself, it’s time to say “I guess!”

Use your life savings as you always intended and buy everyone you know a pretty good dinner, with Loveco!

The Rustic Retreat

Get married outdoors like your boorish ancestry under the cold, bleak winter sky. Track leaves through the parking lot of love and follow the onscreen instructions to get VirtuaMarried by a VHS copy of “Hulk Hogan’s Wedding Slam 1985.”

Pass a bottle of hooch around the Loveco tether ball court and enjoy a brief hello with your relatives from the other side of a rusty fence. Unfortunately, at these prices, Loveco can only enough Sterno Wine for five guests. A small, intimate affair, perfect for selfish, godless brides with little to share. Learn how to can vegetables and briefly consider calling your mother ‘Ma’, but realize she probably cannot hear you in her condition.

Cry knee deep in mud over the sound of a rusty fence clinking in the wind, with Loveco!

The End

Enjoy the acoustics of a sealed Loveco shipping container and try to not nod off among the debris of your own handmade Apocalypse. Dedicate the proceedings to your recently deceased mother, who left this world ashamed of your frugal nature. Sit on a dirty floor and gnaw on a half-thawed bag of tater tots while you promise your eternal whatever to the man nearest thee before being dragged by the hair to your immediate divorce.

Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done and beg for the cheap convenience of death and maybe you’ll be reincarnated as someone who truly values love over money, by spending all your money to prove the amount your love, with Loveco!

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