Review of the album "Here" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

1st Song - Man on Fire

A slow chant thing that builds to a less chanty, more happy thing with chirpy instruments. I like when they do this kind of song because they make you so aware of how many people are involved in this dumb band. They're really invested in letting you know how much fun they're having, even though packing that many hippies into a studio can't be enjoyable for anyone. It seems sweaty and forced, like they’re afraid of Edward.

A fucking didgeridoo just sounded. Didjgiry Dave and Outback Zeros. I'm in a coffee shop right now and "I'm Every Woman" is playing behind my headphones and it's not a terrible mix. Same sort of loud happiness even though there's at least one lady in either instance being mentally abused by a producer with a messiah complex. That's conjecture on my part, but big Ed seems like he thinks he’s Jesus. The song wraps up with the refrain about following his dirty bare feet and how important it is to dance and play guitars. It's a bad song.

2nd Song - That's What's Up

Twang twang twang! Someone is probably playing a Jug. It might be an Emit Otter cover. Starts low and then comes in louder and it’s a million sounds at once and that lady is clearly screaming. I'm not sure the Edward Sharp lady singer is talented, I think she just might be frightened. Did you know they're not married at all. I think she’s just his prisoner. Uh oh. Clapping break down in the song! Love it is our Honor and love it is our all! You guys don't fool me anymore! Hippie liars. It is an awful song.

3rd song - I Don't Wanna Pray

"I love my god, god made gloves. I love my god, god made tape." I'm not sure which culture they're co-opting, but it's offensive in any direction. It sounds like an old spiritual about god’s textile production facilities. Three guys in the back are making bellowing DO DO DO noises at one point, again, just to let you know they're there, and that it's a gigantic, unwieldy band who will only break even on hotel costs once they are bigger than U2. Lots of talk about how they don't want to pray anymore, and I assume they are either dissatisfied with the gloves, the tape, or have realized that the lead singer is the one true god. Edward's got forty band members, is trying to assimilate more and there's no reason to wear that much white clothing and still be visibly dirty. It is a the worst song.

4th song - Mayla

Starts with low humming and the kind of guitar that would normally accompany a steel drum or a 80s cop drama set in Miami. Lots of people singing about a person named Mayla Longtime Sunshine. The guitar is really distracting. It’s hard to hear the lyrics, which is fine. It's just droning on behind that goddamn guitar. The guitar made my head hurt and the droning sucked my will to live. I feel sad. Like I need protein or some vitamins. Just feel exhausted. It’s an ok song.

5th song - Dear Believer

"Anger anger you're finally my bitch" is a lyric. But that’s more of a lesson for everyone. I think I might have judged too harshly up front. He’s at least trying to make music about positive feelings. The droning from the last song is still kind of in my head but I don’t think the point of the album is to be hypnotized by messages that reinforce how beautiful, forgiving and complete Edward's love is. It is a pretty good song.

6th Song - Child

This is a song about how we are all Edwards children, we are but voices in his head and only shadows in the white light of his gaze. Only one guitar and one drum is playing and someone is singing something over the sound of my childhood playing in the ocean of my bad vibes. It’s washing my feet. Edward is washing my feet. Edward is washing my feet of my bad vibes. It is a beautiful song about love.

7th Song - One Love to Another

How in Edward’s name could I sleep when there’s so much love to do. A good time base line plays in front of His illuminations about how much I am loved and how much I love everyone. It’s a bouncy riff that shows you true meaning. Edward loves you even though your family hates and abandoned you. Join us in the Joy Van. Edward is going to take us home. Home to Edward’s farm away from the government. I can have some food when I get to the farm. I just need to love enough. It is an enlightening song about how hungry I am for His protection.

8th Song - Fiya Wata

Edward I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it. See how I’ve learned. Please let me out of the box. I will better learn to make gloves and tape! Fiya Wata is a perfect song about how thirsty I am because it is so joyfully hot in the box. Only Edward has the key to the box. It is around his holy neck on a hemp necklace the Bassist made for You. Please. Man on Fire is a good song about the time you were right to set the bassist on fire for making something beautiful out of your sight. The bassist learned so we could all learn. I know that now! Please forgive me out of the box! It is the only song!


9th Song - All Wash Out

I am washed out, cleansed and safe from Edward’s storm clouds. Join us. You must. You can play the spoons. The spoons are the only way. There are only 47 more openings in the band, and they all must be filled by the chosen, before Edwards great cleansing so that we might repopulate this earth. He will remove the government’s microchip from your brain before you are lost forever. Play the spoons for us. Edward should be able to have as many wives as he wants. This country is not freedom. Edward is freedom. The Government is evil. You are the spoons. I am the kazoo. Edward’s wives are the horn section and Jerry fixes the weapons. You sleep when we say. You practice those spoons and if you try to run, you get locked in the box. This is the word of Edward.