So the other day I wound up talking about horror movies with someone and I realize I never wrote the reason why I started writing "The Greatest Horror Story of All Time."
I figure I'll take some time I have at the moment to write the end, and completely avoid the middle section of the story all together because I don't feel like writing the middle, and this was really all I wanted to say in the first place. So here it is, the end of the "Greatest Horror Story of All Time."
Also, please excuse any glaring spelling errors. I wrote this in an email. There's no word on this computer.
The lights are still out. Thunder roars overhead magnified by the hollow echo of Laura's vast cottage. Rugged Dave, Selpathe and Laura sit huddled in the darkness watching home movies of the recently departed Henry David Thoreau in Laura's planetarium.
Giant pictures of Henry David Thoreau dance on the ceiling. Pictures of Henry David Thoreau doing crunches, studying String Theory, and skeet shotting. You know, kid stuff.
The trio is just getting to Henry David Thoreau's opera training, they are being washed over with his beautiful 8 year old voice. Rugged Dave has a hand on Laura's thigh. It's been slowly creeping upwards. Laura is crying loudly and pushing his hand back down. Selpthe wearing her goggles and doing a rubix cube.
Rugged Dave is getting increasingly angry that he will not be getting laid this evening. "Fucking kid dies and my dick stays dry." He thinks. He then remarks to himself that he should put that on a T-shirt. "Fucking millionare." He says outloud.
"What did you say?" Asks Laura.
"Nothing. Forget it. Watch the movie." Say's Rugged Dave, secretly wishing he had said something funnier and thus justifying two lines of dialog that don't need to exist.
The group is nearing the 3D section of the movie. They ready their 3D glasses and Selpthe sets aside her rubix cube and silently resigns to peel the stickers off later, making the cube inky black and complete in it's inky blackness. "NOW WHO'S STUPID!" She screams at the puzzle.
Selpth removes her night vision goggles and relplaces them with her 3D glasses. The scene that Laura had made into a 3D masterpeice is one in which he is having a baseball toss with Rugged Dave. Rugged Dave is hurling mighty fastballs to young Henry David Thoreau. Rugged Dave is clocking himself at about 94 mph. Henry David Thoreau is swaddled in catchers equipment and is taking fastball after fastball to the midsection, his 8 year old reflexes not quite up to the task of actually catching the ball.
Laura selected this, for it combines her two favorite people and the spectacle of having a 94 mile hour fastball virtually whizzing by your head every four or five seconds. Even now, in the midst of this horrible sadness it draws Oohs and Aahs from the three.
"I'm going with the changeup, little buddy." Says the three dimensional image of Rugged Dave.
"Yes sir. I am preparing my synapses for a lapse of judgement made by the contrast of the quick movement of your arm, vs the relatively slow aproach of the ball. All is in readiness." Says the little scamp.
"Here goes" Says Rugged Dave.
"Whamp!" Says the chest plate of Henry David Thoreau
"OOOOHHHH AHHHHHH" Says Laura, Rugged Dave and Selpthe
"Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Says an unidentified source
"What was that unidentified source?" Cried Rugged Dave, quickly removing his 3D glasses.
"SHhh" says laura, you're missing the best part
A three dimensional Rugged Dave is standing over the limp carcass of a three dimensional Henry David Thoreau. "Always think fastball, kid. Just because I say I'm going with the changeup doesnt mean I'm throwing the changeup. Last second changes are the name of the game. You get some ice on that you'll be fine."
"Tricked indeed, says I. My broken sternum is testament to that! Quite a ruse, Rugged Dave, quite a ruse, indeed! I must go tend to my wounds. Selpthe, ready my laboratory." He even says laboratory like "Lah boor ah tooree" I want to pinch his cheeks! Henry David Thoreau!
They all share in a deep belly laugh over the funny Rugged Dave joke. Change up? Rugged Dave doesnt throw Change ups. He throws nothing but heat all day long. All Heat All the Time! Never fucking forget that.
"SLllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" says the unidentified source.
"I don't like that unidentified source." says Rugged Dave.
"It's probably nothing." Says Laura. It's probably a good time to mention that Laura was kicked in the face by a horse when she was a small child and never quite recovered her sense of danger. Much like I, your author, pines for a big breasted woman who was born without the use of her inhibitions, Laura lost her sense of danger at a young age. Hence all the brownies all the time, she's constantly making with the brownies. While this is impossible, one dares to dream, and since this is a horror movie, you're going to have to let some reality slip away even though that noise is fucking scary and even typing it as my asshole tight, she's fine. Get me? Fine. Don't fucking argue. Eat your fucking popcorn.
"It's probably just the Air Conditioning." Says Laura
"You're probably right" says Rugged Dave. It's probably a good time to mention that Rugged Dave once dated a ram. As such, he had to fend off other male rams who were bidding for his love's attention. Rams do this by butting horns at impossibly high speeds and impacts. Rugged Dave is rugged and did it with a trucker hat and a belly full of Shlitz. During this courtship ritual Dave's better judgement collapsed like a dwarf star and is now incredibly gullible to almost any suggestion made by women in a planetariums. We all have our crosses to bear, this was his.
"PUNCH YOUR OWN FACE!" screamed Selpthe.
Dave punched himself in the face, thereby proving a ridiculous point. Thank you Selpthe.
"WELCOME!" Screamed Selpthe at nobody in particular.
The planetariums 3D display was nearing an end and was currently displaying young Henry David Thoreau in a bath tub. He was rubbing at his chest which had several baseball shaped welts on it. He was delicatly dabbing at his wounds with a pink washcloth. When he realized his mother was taping from the doorway behind him, he quickly threw the washcloth at the camera which elicited one last "OOOHHHH" From the 3 person audience.
The screen went dark and the lights started to come up when Selpthe Screamed. "NOT DONE!" Laura was confused, she swore that was the end of it. The washcloth was wet and damaged the camera and she hadnt gotten another one down from her Digital Camcorder Closet yet. Afterall it was up on the fourteenth floor, and who's got the time to wait for the elevator?
But Selpthe insisted "LOOK!" and pointed at the ceiling, still wearing her 3D glasses. She remained seated and stared intently while peeling her rubix cube.
Rugged Dave and Laura looked skywards as the dark ceiling became illuminated with a faint green tint and "SLEEEESSHHHHHHHH" was heard again, this time much louder. The sound was coming from the cieling! More precicely, it was coming from the Air Conditioning duct!
"I told you, it was just the Air Conditioning" said Laura "Now let's go to bed after I make some brownies."
"You got it."
"I SAID LOOK" said Selpthe.
Rugged Dave's new orders came in and so he did, he looked towards the Air Conditioning vent. Suddenly the green tint grew brighter. Almost hard to look at. "OOOOHHHHH" Screamed Selpthe still wearing her 3D glasses.
The green tint suddenly shut off. And water gushed out of the vent. Impossible amounts of water. "I Guess the condenser went" said Laura, demonstrating surprising knowledge of her Air Conditioning system.
Water was pouring out. Gushing. The floor was now two inches deep with water when suddenly a black form flushed out of the vent and flopped on the floor in a formless heap. "AHHHH!"
The black form started to shift. Slow side to side movements, then it slowly took a stronger shape, and stood tall. It was a boy! He was facing the other way and was covered in small gashes. Small cuts bleeding rivulets of blood. He was soaked, only wearing black shorts and carying one weighted ring!
He turned slowly, the cuts were worse on the front of him. The blood was turning the waters red. It was Henry David Thoreau!"
"Henry David Thoreau!" Shouted Laura, full of surprise! "You're alive."
"Not quite, mother. Not quite." His eyes were cast downward allowing the shadows to fill his deep set eyes. His eight year old frame bleeding steadilly. "I've come for you, Rugged Dave. I've come for you."
"Fuck you." said Rugged Dave.
"You killed me, Rugged Dave. I'm here to return the favor." His dialog now trite and contrived because we're nearing the end.
"Did too." This went on for practically an hour because Henry David Thoreau is eight years old, and Rugged Dave didnt know what else to say.
"ENOUGH!" screamed Laura.
"OOOOHH AHHHHHH" said Selpthe
"He killed me with the weighted rings. The underwater fun game. They're 100 pounds. He threw them in, I caught one as it was floating towards the bottom, and it dragged me down to the the bottom of the very deep end where the pressure eventually killed me." Dialog is so quick and unlike the character now because he's dead! Why is he so different? Who knows?!
"The pressure! That explains the cuts!" Said Laura
"No." Said Henry David Thoreau "The cuts are from crawling through the Air Conditioning Ducts, they're full of metal screws. When air ducts are installed, screws are used to keep them in place. Hundreds of screws. Thus making travelling through them completely impossible and foolish. It's how they're built. So it never makes sense. Not ever." So precise! "But enough of the exact construction of air ducts and a giant plot hole, I'm here for you Rugged Dave. I'm taking you with me. " As Henry David Thoreau finished this line, he gestured behind him with a rubbery dead arm. A green portal opened behind him at his gesture. "OOOOOHHHHH!" said Selpthe
Screams poured out of it. Loud, haunting screams. "They're the dead. Like me. Like you. Come, David. Now is the time of your undoing." Suddenly he's back to how he used to talk, he talked normally just for the brief moments of exposition, and then he's back to his scampish, impish self. Someone get that sweetheart a taffy!
Henry David Thoreau pulled his right arm from behind his back revealing a scythe-ish curved blade. It was brown and chipped. It's as though the shape and condition of it made the threat of getting stabbed even more scary, even though gettting stabbed is getting stabbed and really, the asthetics of getting stabbed dont really result in your being more or less hurt. You get stabbed in the belly with one of those shoe cutting knives, it'll kill you and if you get stabbed in the belly with a rolling pin, it'll kill you. Same thing.
Henry David Thoreau held his weirdo knife at his side. He turned the blade over in his hand, cocked his wrist, so the blade was pointing directly to the right. The blade glinted faintly in the green light, he twisted it to add to this affect. Green. Brown. Green. Brown. Flashing terror in the eyes of Rugged Dave who advanced from the outer ring of the planetarium.
"I say, David, I always assumed your undoing would be in the planetarium. It fits." Said Henry David Thoreau, even though there was no clear way that it fit. He and Rugged Dave circled each other in the glow of Henry David Thoreau's mystical portal. They were close now, circling like lions, or rams. Rams is funnier. "Ever since that day you pelted me with those leather orbs, I've dreamt of this moment. Except, I wasnt dead in my dreams. But I was gutting you just the same. Like a fish. But now I'm dead, but, you get the idea, right? Me knife, you gutted. Now is the winter of our discontent, Mr. Dave. The Bell Tolls for Thee, Rugged fool! This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius, louse! It was the Best of Times for me, it is the Worst of Times for you, Rugged Dave! HAVE AT YOU!"
Henry David Thoreau lunged with all his might! He quickly closed the gap between himself and Rugged Dave, his knife held high in the air, screaming like a mad man he came in for the killing stroke!
"AHHHHHH" said Selpthe
Rugged Dave threw a Left Cross and crushed the face of Henry David Thoreau. The potal immediatly closed and Henry David Thoreau lay on the floor in a heap, holding his 8 year old face and crying. Henry David Thoreau begged for mercy, but Rugged Dave would have none of it. "Please sir, I was just kidding. With the portal and the death and the scythe and everything. I'm only 8."
Rugged Dave picked up Henry David Thoreau and walked him out of the planetarium. He carried him across the hallway and threw him straight throughthe 8th floor window. "Rugged Dave always throws the heat. Bitch." Said Rugged Dave. Mustering the corniest, barely relateable line he could think of. But remember I told you to remember that he always threw the heat? Huh? I did, because I needed to have some very obvious foreshaddowing. Actually, I needed something where people could say "Ohhhh right that's just like what he said before" even though there's no possible way you could take "Always throws the heat" and transform it into "OHhhhh, he's going to throw him out a window. See, because heat. He always THROWS it. Henry David Thoreau? He THOREAUS the Heat. You see? Fucking obvious, I knew the whole time. This movie is bullshit, when I get home I'm going to write a story about how stupid horror movies are and how fucking awesome I am."
Rugged Dave lit a cigarette and shaddow boxed for a moment. "FUcking 8 year old kid." He mused to himself. His words slight, but wise. If an eight year old kid is tormenting you and your family, punch him in the face. Throwing him out a window was a bit much, but really, just punch the little bastard in the face. You win. Instantly. Even if you're built like a dandilion and wearing a T-Shirt that says "Hopeless Romantic," take a swing. You'll win because he's 8 years old and his scull still mostly mush.
Laura aproached the window with caution because of the lengthy, underly stylized expository paragraph that just took place. "Do you think he's dead?" As she looked outside into the rain, down on the mangled carcass of her son lying dead on the pavement just north of the topiary maze.
"I don't know, baby. I don't know that we'll ever know. But yes he's dead. I threw him out the window after he caught the left cross." Said Rugged Dave. From that day forward Rugged Dave called his Left Cross "The Widow Maker" because he thought it sounded cool, and didnt know what the word Widdow meant.
Laura quit her job at the Media Company and began working at a miniature golf course to be near children. She brings home well over six figures a year.
Selpthe never did finish that rubix cube. She gave up after all the excitement and went back to her first love, Umpiring for the Milwaukee Brewers.
THE END, Selpthe. The End.