Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Faith First Ministry Presents...

Ladies and gentleman, please join me in welcoming Reverend Jason Michael Payne.

Thank you, thank you. Please... hah. No please, too much. Please sit, be seated. No no no, please. Please sit down. Sit sit sit. Too much, too much. Wow. Well. Hah. Thank you very much, really, that’s very nice. Very nice. You guys are going to be really, very disappointed after that. Haha. No no. I’m kidding.
But really, that’s what we’re here about isn’t it? Ladies and gentlemen, I was disappointed. Yes! I was disappointed! Praise! I was disappointed. I was lost! Yes! Ladies and gentleman, I needed a light. Yes! I neeedeed a liaahhhttt! Are you listening? Say Yes! Yes! Say Yes! Yes! Say Yes! YES! That’s right. That’s right.
I. Jason Michael Payne. Was lost. But ladies?....Gentleman?.....who among us is not lost? Say Yes I was Lost! Yes! Say yes! Yes! Yes. Yes. Yes. I was lost. In a haze of drugs and alcohol. Women and debauchery. Ladies and gentleman, I strip myself bare on this stage for you. I am here to bare it all! At my bottom, ladies and gentleman, I was involved with three different women at one time. I know, I know. It’s shocking. I was using mind altering drugs. I was abusive of alcohol. I was failure of a man, ladies and gentleman. I’m here before you today to admit these problems. I was an abuser. I drank alcohol in excess, ladies and gentlemen. Ah? Say yes for me one time. Yes! I have spent my nights in a horrible grey haze, bouncing from bar to bar. Laughing a drunken, hyena like cackle with the dozy inhabitants of shadowy bars and saloooons. That’s right oooooo! Say yes. Yes.
On these evenings, ladies and gentlemen. I was a lost soul. A lost soul that needed a savin! Ladies and gentlemen, while I waited to be saved, I abused drugs! Say Yes! Yes! That’s right. The allure of strange women offering mind altering substances proved to be to great for this weak man! I followed them. Yes. I did their drugs. Yes. I would wake days later in horrible situations, ladies and gentlemen. You sir? Front row! What is your name?
David? David stand up and be counted! Ladies and gentlemen this is David! David, what brings you here today? Alcohol and women?! For shame David! I want you to feel – David get up on this stage right now! I say right now I Say Yes! YES! Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to applaud this man! Applaud him for accepting this offer! That’s right, David needs the light! Come on over here David, come on! That’s right. David, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, David. Hahha! Yes.
David, I’m going to give you this microphone and I want you to acknowledge who you are to these people of the sky. Go on David, say your peace. Yes. Say Yes, ladies and gentlemen! Yes! Here David, yes!

Uhm. Hello. Uh. Hi. Everybody. My name is David....hah, wow. Hello to you too. Uh, well, like I say, my name is David. Yes, right, hello. Anyway, I’m David and. Right, right, hello. I’m Dav

Skip over, skip over, they like the responses, Say yes! Yes!

Oh, ok. My name– I’m sorry. What was I supposed to say again?

Acknowledge who you are, David. Let the demons free. I want you to say yes David.

Yes. Yes. Well, I acknowledge my alcohol and my women situations. As I should and I –

Say yes! YES! Yell it for us David! Scream to the rooftops!

Yeeeess. And I would just like to say that, my situation may have been unique to me, because, as a portly man, I would often take comfort, respite if you will in –

Yes. Yes. Thank you David. You are a beacon of hope to this community.

Yes. I would just like to add that, while I was, technically, driving that vehicle, I’m not sure where it came from so doesn’t that mean that –

David. David. I want you to say the word Yes with me right now! Can you do that David? Can you do it for the people? Ladies and gentlemen wouldn’t you like to hear him say yes? Lets go, lets count it off for David. 3 - 2 - 1 YES! Be seated David. Please be seated. Yes. Yes. Live and be healed David. Live and be healed! Yes, go on, sit down. I know. Yes. I – sit down, David. Free those Demons. Well done, well done! Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause for David! Yes!
This is what I’m talking about, ladies and gentlemen. We’re all the same. We’re, each of us, disappointed. Lost. In our selves. Yes. In our lives. Yes. In our spirits. Yes. These things, each of us, is made to regret. Is made to suffer. Is made to renounce and yet deify. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, we are not the sum of our problems. No. Say no. No! We are not a collection of maladies! No! We are not a puzzle to be picked apart! No! We. Are. Not. No! No we are not. Everyone on your feet right now. On your feet. Up up up.
That’s right. Yes. I want you to confirm with me these virtues! I want for you to say with me I am not a collection of problems! I am not a diseased person! I am not a collection of problems! I am not a diseased person! Say no! No! Ladies and gentlemen be seated. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen we are moving forward. Forward. Always forward. There is no going back, ladies and gentlemen, there should be no looking back, ladies and gentlemen. There is no shame in your past, ladies and gentlemen. Not a bit of shame. Say no. No! I want you to clap your hands if you are daunted by alcohol! Clap those hands ladies and gentlemen! That’s right applaud your acknowledgment of this fact! I want you to clap your hands if you have a problem with drugs! That’s right. Clap to the rooftop! To the mountains! I want you clap your hands if you have a problem with sin! Yes, sin! I. Can’t. Hear. You! Yes! Say yes! Yes! Say yes! Yes! Put your hands in the air! Yes! Yes! Say yes! Yes! Say yes! Yes! No shame! Say yes! And ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know that this Friday when I step into the ring with Jerry “The Mauler” Smith, I want you to know that it will be me that has no shame! Say yes! I want you to know that Jerry “The Mauler” will be defeated, say yes with me! Yes! Say yes! Yes!
There will be no turning back when The Mauler enters that ring ladies and gentlemen! Say no! No! Yes! Say yes! Yes! You are a frenzied crowd tonight ladies and gentlemen. Who’s got the microphone? Is it me or is it you? I can barely hear yes! Yes! This Friday night in this very room at this summer’s WrestleFest Two thousand and six! What is it? WrestleFest! When is it? 2006! That’s right! 2006! There will be a frenzy that night too, ladies and gentlemen! Say the word Mauler! Say no! Say no The Mauler!
Ladies and gentlemen with these two hands I will defeat this menace to the United Federation of Wrestlers. He mocks and shames this community say yes. Yes! Why just last weekend ladies and gentlemen, he spit in the face of that young woman Tabitha Nightshade. Directly in front of your eyes, ladies and gentlemen. Say yes. Am, I, Reverend Payne to allow this transgression? Say no. No. Ladies and gentlemen I say no! No!
His villainy shall proceed no further! Our demons here tonight have been exposed, ladies and gentlemen! Who among you has the bravery! The backbone! The conscience! To attend WrestleFest Two thousand and six? Who? Do you David? David says yes! No. No. A seated David says yes! Who is with me and stationary David against this bastion of villany known as The Mauler! Who? If you’re with me say yes! Yes! Say yes! I have overcome my battles with drugs and alcohol and I will overcome The Mauler on Friday night at the Cincinnati Civic Center Arena at what? WrestleFest! When? Two thousand and six! Yes. Say yes! Yes!
On your feet ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands in the air ladies and gentlemen! Say yes! Would you like to see me defeat evil at WrestleFest 2006 Ladies and gentlemen? Say Yes! Yes! Are you ready to see me face my demons, ladies and gentlemen! Say yes! Will I triumph over the Mauler? Say yes! Will Reverend Payne bring the pain? OH you better say yes! Yes! That’s right! This is going to be a special evening ladies and gentlemen! Yes! Say yes! The mauler will kneel before me! He will say his penance! Live and be healed, kneel or be killed! Payne Payne Payne Payne Payne Payne! Ladies and gentlemen, Reverend Payne has spoken!


Pouge du Monts said...

Yeah it was OK, I guess.

OneFootFeet said...

I agree pouge, not the greatest. Fun to write, boring to read.

Kevin Collier said...

This being the first fiction of yours I've read, I say this--you've got spunk, kid. Spunk and hubris. Also, thanks a lot for reminding me my stories aren't at all funny. I never realized I had a deficiency until I met you.