Deconstructed Advice and Encouragement
Advice VIA Public Transportation Mishap
You know what, though? You have to try to make the most of it. Life is short. You could walk outside tomorrow and get hit by a bus.
You know what, though? I know you're having a hard time right now, but try to remember that at any point you could be painfully and horribly murdered by a larger than average vehicle.
You know what, though? Sometimes crazy people get a hold of machinery that they're not licenced to operate and they run amok and maybe this time they're on your block driving fifty down your sidewalk. Remember that guy who got a hold of that tank a few years back? So, ya know, try to keep that in mind.
You know what, though? Try to remember that any horrible thing can happen at any time. To you. Any random, awful thing could happen to you at any time. Awful things happen all the time, so I'd even say that you're likely to have something horrible happen to you. If anything, you're due.
You know what, though? We're all, each of us, dying a little every day.
You know what, though? The universe is random and life is meaningless.
Encouragement through past failures and traumas
You know what, man? You can get through this. You're a strong person. Think of all the other shit you've gone through in your life, this is nothing. You'll look back on this and laugh.
You know what, man? You can get through this. You've had worse happen to you. Think about all the horrible things that have happened to you. One by one. Really think about the horrible things that have happened during your life. Relive each of them now, in front of me. See, just like those other personal tragedies, you'll look back on this and laugh because you clearly haven't been smart enough to learn from your earlier failures, so it'll just be funny because you won’t understand because you're dumb.
You know what, man? The sum total of your previous experience should prepare you for all things, failing that you are worthless and your life has been wasteful.
Encouragement by acknowledging the current state of affairs
But you know what you should do? Take this time to focus on yourself. Get the job you want. Save some money. Meet new people. Try to get laid. Join a gym.
But you know what you should do? Get your shit together. You have a shitty job. You're broke. Wear a hat. You have no friends. ”Try” to get laid, don’t get your hopes up with that one because women don’t find you attractive and you are horribly out of shape.
But you know what you should do? Maybe try to stop being you, because it clearly isn't working. Look at what you've allowed yourself to become.
But you know what you should do? Give the eating a rest.
Encouragement by emphasizing the positive
But think about it, you're smart, you're funny, you're handsome, you're talented, you'll pull through this.
But think about it, think about how nice I am and how if you weren't lucky enough to have me as a friend, there wouldn't be anybody to lie to you in times of trouble.
Encouragement by The Miller Brewing Company of St. Louis Missouri
Think about it this way, a twelve pack of our generic, bland, watery beer will get you so tanked that you'll be able to connect to your feelings, but remain numb enough that you wont feel your body's physical revulsion at that process.
Think about it this way, a twelve pack of our generic, bland, watery beer will get you so tanked that you'll be able to connect to your feelings, but remain numb enough that you wont feel your body's physical revulsion at that process. Seriously.
Encouragement through the grand scheme of things
Try to put it in perspective, it could always be worse, you could live in Darfur, or be in Iraq, or jesus, look at that homeless guy, you could be that guy.
Try to put it in perspective, you don’t deserve the things you have and you look down your nose at the homeless when prompted.
Try to put it in perspective, you take everything for granted and are wasteful of your opportunities. You could help people but do not, because you are a selfish coward. Also, you have lots of change and are a liar.
Everything is going to be just fine, everything always works out for the best, everything happens for a reason, the planets will align and you’ll be a better person for it.
I have nothing to say and I think you’re an idiot.