Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I found this just now after finding the jem posted below and wondering if I had anything else lying around . I wrote this following the '06 Home Run Derby, which was won by Philadelphia Phillie Ryan Howard. The previous year, former Philadelphia Phillie Bobby Abreau won the Derby and I wrote this:

Ryan Howard overcomes 365 day Philadelphia Phillies Home Run Derby Curse

PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Phillies First Baseman, Ryan Howard has done the unthinkable. Ryan, 27, has broken Philadelphia’s long standing Home Run Derby Curse. Philadelphia has not won a Home Run Derby since Bobby Abreau’s brave performance one year ago.
“I just got into a good rhythm and tried to get good hacks.” says Howard, bashfully dodging the more important matter at hand: the Ghost who has been oppressing the Philadelphia Phillies for the past 365 days. “I try not to think about the curse. It’s unfortunate that this league is constantly under attack from Ghosts.”
Major League Baseball has famously been a favorite target for all manner of Ghosts, goblins and things nether-worldly. The Cubs, The Red Socks, The Mets, The Brewers, The Royals, The Tigers, and roughly 24 other teams have all claimed curses as the primary causes of varying failures. Philadelphia is no exception.
Philadelphia struggles daily with the Philadelphia Curse, caused by the infamous Dralubam The Inscrutable and first noticed by Ed Levin at Philadelphia watering hole: Chickie and Pete’s. Ed Levin, “ I just noticed is how we ain’t been winning [excrement] and I turned to Charlie, and I’m like ‘Yo, Charlie! This is like some kinda [making love] Philly Curse!’ and then Charlie was like ‘Yeah.’ So, you know how that goes.”
Following the success of the “Curse of the Bambino” - the famous Bostonian curse in which Babe Ruth sold his soul to Satan himself in exchange for delivery from Boston - ghouls came from all corners of the netherworld to seek notoriety in the completely bewildering world of professional sports. Some 8,300 curses are currently wreaking havoc on the professional sporting landscape, MLB’s Resident Necromancer Tommy Lasorda Explains: “They saw how well Satan was doing with that Bambino Curse, and they all jumped on the bandwagon. You’ve got your big time demons: Dralubam, Melphius the Tyrannical, Pyranulon the Flamegiver all the way down to your low level guys: Mortimus the Ghost of Puzzles, Alex the Fidget, and Balco the Disproportionate.”
Mortimus the Ghost of Puzzles, famous for destroying framed jigsaw puzzles, has already claimed responsibility for the oppressive Home Run Derby Curse. He responded through representation, “The Philadelphia Phillies only have 180 curses on them right now, two hundred below the National League average. Also, please behold my evil wrath, I will eat your face, et cetera! I would like to warn Major League Baseball this is but a minor setback more curses are coming! Consider Los Angeles Angels 2005 Stolen Base Dominance to be a thing of history! This letter was printed on recycled paper!”
Los Angeles Angels General Manager Mike Scioscia refused to comment due to the ongoing “Comment Curse” placed on the Los Angeles Angels by ‘Derby McDeath, Silence Monger’
Ryan Howard was tearful at the podium after winning the event: “Major League Baseball needs to divert its attention to the serious matters facing our nation today: ghosts. Ghosts and the horrible spells they cast. But until then, I’ll keep fighting them with three pounds of hickory and Jesus Christ.” Howard waved into the crowd, picked up his son, and was promptly devoured by a Hurubulous Dragon of the Ninth Realm named Sammy. “Did I do that?” Said Sammy, winking his famous catch phrase, which is emblazoned on all manner of paraphernalia available at, into a laughing, appreciative crowd.

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