Friday, May 08, 2009

Dan Hits A Grand Slam

Dan Hits A Grand Slam

Home to First:

Get out. Go. Please go. Go go. Go go go go go go. Oh thank god.

Ok - head down, run, don't dog it. Don't be a dick. Head down. Make sure you tag first, it'd be embarrassing. Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't do that stutter step. Just hit the bag. Don't trip. Did they just set off fireworks? That's embarrassing. The wind took it, I barely hit the thing. Wind is screwing up the fireworks. What if they landed on someone? Could I get sued? I couldn't get sued, right. Are they done? Hopefully there are more. Everybody look at the fireworks. Eyes to the sky. Keep your head down. Just tag the bag. Don't trip.

First to Second:

Where are my hands? I'm running weird. Why do I always run so weird? Shoulders back. That guy's an asshole. Don't go too wide. Hit the bag. Don't trip. Head down. This is so weird. So loud. Do I always run like this? I feel like I don't always run like this. Are my hands like this? I'm doing the weird straight hand thing. I hate that, close your fists. It's not nineteen oh you weirdo I can't believe you were doing the wind-resistance hands like a weirdo. Oh man that's going to be on ESPN, someone's circling that with technology. Technology? Someone's circling it with technology? You dope. Head down. Head down. Everybody's looking, they're going to call you Wind-hands. Dummy. Tag the bag, Wind-Hands.

Second to Third:

This is the worst. That lady in the third row can see my helmet is rattling. I think I grabbed the wrong helmet. Can't get a good helmet to fit my weirdo head. Wind-Head. That'd be a better name. Wind-Head. They shouldn't make you play the field after you hit a grand slam. You should get an inning off. That should be a rule. There's so many rules, that should be one too. I should be able to sit down and forget about it for a bit. Go take a shower or something. My legs are kicking up too high, this looks so gay. Why do I always look so weird. I should quit. Oh man, why is the third base coach clapping. I hate that guy. Such an asshole. That's so clearly a sarcastic clap. Don't think I can't recognize a sarcastic clap when I see it. Not my fault the game passed you by. I missed one practice. I was depressed. Not my fault. Insensitive old "Thanks coach." What a piece of shit that guy is. I wonder how many toilets this place has, probably more than you'd think, probably if I set a number it'd probably be way higher no matter what number. Unless you were being a dick about it and said way too many. Tag the bag. Tag the bag. It's almost over.

Third to Home:

Oh Fuck. All the dumb handshakes. I hate this. Ramirez is forearm bash, then handshake then helmet sm-- no no no. Albertson is helmet smack. Rameriez is the forearm bash, then slide down to the handshake. Albertson is helmet smack shoulder pat. Or wait. Is it shoulder pat and then helmet smack? But if he's shoulder pat then who's headbutt? Christ. Was Olsen Headbutt? I think Olsen is headbutt. No wait Olsen Headbutts Albertson. That's their thing. Because of that thing with that chick. I know Stevenson is thumb wrestle handshake, bro hug. That's easy. Olsen should be more like Stevenson. I think the third baseline is crooked. Christ, they're all there. They're all going to beat me up. They think it's celebrating, but I'm just in a circle getting shoved around by cavemen. No self control. It's just abuse. I just hit a grand slam for fuck sake. I should get to call the celebration. I should get a cup of tea and then an inning off and nobody talks to me for three hours. That should be the celebration. Fuck Albertson has his forearm up. What if I slid. What if I slid to be a dick. That would be funny, right? No. That's not funny. But I'd be on the ground, which would be nice. Nobody would know what to do, I could avoid the whole thing. Slide and then get up and run to the dugout. Why is everyone hopping up and down? What's that do. What if someone got injured doing that. Oh man, what if I fake an injury. Grab your thigh. Limp. Two weeks paid vacation.


anne said...


Jammon said...

I imagine this is Jayson Werth. That's my prerogative as a reader. Well done, Werth.